I am 65 and have been gay all my life. When I was very young I was quickly aware that most people did not like gay people. I was a quiet child; fearful that if I said what I was feeling I would be reprimanded, laughed at, or beat up. I was one of the best baseball players, but I was kept out of little league and wondered why.

As I started into my teen years, I became aware that for me to change to fit what society said I should be, was a death sentence for me. I did not start fights but others learned I could end them and walk away. It hurt, but I took the shunning and laughter and dressed like I wanted to, (except for school which at that time required dresses).

I had girlfriends but their mothers did not want them with me because I was “different”. So I did spend a lot of time alone. In high school a friend and I petitioned to be allowed to take mechanical drawing because we like creating things. We were the only two girls in the classes. My first year instructor did not pay any attention to me until after a few months he noticed I always took the most difficult assignments because I found them interesting and got “A”s,. My high school counselor said the test I took was flawed because I showed interest in architecture and carpentry and said I could not get into college for architecture because it was not a girls program.

So I went to computer school to learn programming and was the top of my class. I went for a programming job, which was almost all male at the time, with a high recommendation from my instructor, and was passed over for one of my fellow students whom I tutored through the whole class and he just barely passed. I eventually worked my way up in a company from cashier to systems analyst in a 2 year period. Bored with inside work I became the first, woman car salesperson and assistant manager of a dealership in my area.

I went to the community college to learn how to lay concrete block and brick and took architecture. Upon completing the course I went to several builders for a job, I was turned down and laughed at. One guy said if you can work for three days for free I will see if you are good enough to stay. So I worked the three days and he kept me. He also moved me up to start corners on foundations and do difficult brickwork because my work was so good. I was at the top like his two veteran masons.

I wanted to build log homes so I took a job selling log and timber homes and helping people start their projects. I took the dale Carnegie class so I could try to get more confidence talking to people and not feel subconscious about being gay but focus on my skills and abilities. I sold fireplaces, kitchen cabinets, stone, and other building products. I started my own remodeling company when no one would hire me as a carpenter. No one seems to want a woman in construction. It was hard to convince people a woman could do the work. Then I decided to build my own model log home and remodeling showroom to show people my skills. I built almost the whole house by myself part time with help from my apprentice. I sold and built houses and did remodeling. I took classes and got my certification, CGR, from NAHB, and CR, from the NATIONAL Association of the Remodeling industry.

At the time I was only the second person in my state to have both credentials. Four years later my business partner absconded with my identity and money. I had to start from zero again. But I did. Then I had to take off a lot of time as my life partner was dying of cancer. I then spent some time after her death regaining my strength since I had fibromyalgia since 1992 and was depleted. But I did. I am still doing remodeling work, have volunteered for habitat, have been teaching classes for women in home improvements and repairs since 1992 and now teach at the community college. I AM Victorious. I have overcome so many obstacles and I am still charging forward helping other women see the possibilities.

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Did you ever have one of those years? Not one of those days, or even one of those weeks, but one of those years!

In 2012, I laughed — a lot. Don’t get me wrong, there were often tears combined in that laughter and sometimes it was hard to tell if I was laughing or sobbing hysterically but the ability to laugh at myself helped me to get out of bed every day and face the year. Otherwise, I would have spent a very long, very hard year in bed! In 2012,my knees said, “Enough!” The arthritis in my knees has become progressively worse, so that it is difficult to walk, bend, do steps, all of the normal stuff we expect our knees to do. The doctor said, “Loose weight and we can by-pass knee replacement for about five more years.”

Before I could even think about loosing weight, I realized something was seriously wrong with … oh no, my backside! “My goodness”, I thought, “can hemmoroids hurt this much?” After spending days on my hands and knees with my backside up in the air and trying to suck in enough air to laugh, I went to a specialist. “You have a very painful anal fissure,” the doctor said. “Spend the next three months in a hot bath three times a day, apply salve, and come back for surgery if it doesn’t heal.” Are you kidding me? I still work full time! Who gets an annal fissure? No one I knew. My backside became the butt of many jokes over the next three months.

One thing I learned? Do not sit in salty ocean water with an annal fissure. It was summer, we were on vacation and I thought the ocean water would help heal my pain. Wrong. Bad knees or not, I never moved so fast in my life! I was out of that salty ocean water and in a hot tub in no time flat!

After three months of recovering from the fissure, I thought I was better. Wrong. I went for a routine dermatology check-up and my doctor found a questionable blemish on my back. The result was a confirmed malenoma. The good news (after two surgeries) was that the cancer hadn’t penetrated the internal body cells. Yeah. I caught a break! Laugh again. Now, I’m more conscious of sun exposure and get check ups every six months.

I was knocked down with chronic bronchitis in the early fall. I spent Hurricane Sandy curled up in a ball on my couch trying to breathe. Once I could breathe, I could laugh. And I had to laugh or I’d just run and hide and never get up again! On Christmas Day, after the bronchitis, I began getting the worse stomach pains I’d ever experienced. By 8 pm, I was in the hospital emergency room on serious drugs to control the pain. I don’t remember much until I woke up the next afternoon, recovering from emergency hernia surgery. But 2013 was only days away and I knew in my heart that things could only get better.

In January 2013, I was diagnosed with lung cancer. The x-rays during the hernia surgery showed just a little blip on my lungs. The follow up appointments confirmed Stage 1 lung cancer. Come on, you gotta laugh. An emergency hernia surgery saved my life! We found lung cancer at Stage 1! How many people have that gift? I am now facing radiation and I am laughing. I learned, you gotta laugh and I will keep laughing because I’ve been given the amazing opportunity to make others laugh with this crazy story! My friends and family and I get together and laugh often. They say, “You had a heck of a year!” And I say, “You gotta laugh!”

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They say you draw strength from God when you are down and out, and every fiber of our being is drawn to God when things go wrong. After having gone through a divorce and 4 years of torturous self- indulgent destruction, I finally succumbed to God and through his grace I have gained strength and awakening that’s beyond comprehension. My spiritual awakening has been in the works for many years. I sought a spiritual grounding and searched endlessly for inner peace. I attended numerous churches, unable to find the relationship with God I was seeking. You have to let go of all the anger in your heart in order for the love of spirit to come in. I pursued a life of happiness, and found my true inner joy. You have to fall down to get back up, but why must we fall so far to get to that point of self- love and gratitude? The inner peace and love that should have found its way into my soul was lost amongst my scars and regrets.

I had been married for 28 years to a man who woke up one day a stranger. After being involved in a head-on collision that would rock my world and change my life and future, I couldn’t conceive or even have a notion of what was to be. My husband had started to develop very strange behaviors after the accident, as I struggled with my own world of post- traumatic stress syndrome. The years past and I realized I had endured many years in a verbally abusive relationship. I was so far beaten down, that I couldn’t comprehend his diagnosis of being bi-polar. His torture was just beginning, and mine was about to end. After years of verbal and mental abuse, I realized I had to end this relationship. I filed for divorce and ended what was once a blissful reunion. I struggled for years with being accountable for my actions, and even though there was adultery on his part, I still felt guilt and shame. It’s hard to forgive others, even harder to forgive yourself. I struggled for years, putting my daughter through college, never asking a dime from my ex-husband. I became a single mom with 2 jobs, and a list of bills that even I would never be able to pay. And so, on I went, to work then to the bar to indulge in selfless acts of destruction that went on for several years. I was lost in the whirlpool of life constantly being spit out by life’s daily events. I pushed on developing a strong character and will that to this day could only have come from God.

It’s been 4 years since my divorce and I found God. My daughter graduates from College this month and life could not be any sweeter! I searched all religions, delved into countless nights of drinking searching for my own purpose and destiny, and yet I found my bliss in an awakening like no other. I prayed to God for guidance, I soul searched and found that practicing Random Acts of Kindness was healing me. Never in my wildest dreams could I have comprehended how these simple acts would heal my soul and allow me to gain strength and finally reach my destination for joy. I gained happiness from simple acts of greeting cards sent to people that were down on their luck. I enjoyed doing for others even though I received nothing in return. These Random acts began to change who I was.

After years of soul searching, I fell down and got back up. I prayed to God for peace and strength and I received it. I’ve watched my world change as I became more spiritual, and my life has been on the upswing ever since. I’ve been contacted by many people who were recipients of my Random Acts of kindness. They wanted to tell their story of how it changed their lives. They too are paying it forward!

I opened my heart and found true love in mankind and found that we cannot be an unloving species. We need each other to fill the void when our hearts are broken. We are all children of God. With God’s love and guidance we too can find strength in tough times.

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In the late 1990s, I was laid off as a Medi-Cal Eligibility Worker in Orange County when the County went bankrupt. Riverside County hired me for a short period until Orange County got back on their feet and called me back to work. A large nursing home chain in California offered me a position as a corporate consultant for about six years. Unfortunately, they experienced financial difficulties, thus eliminating my position. I was on my own with a child to feed, without a husband, or any family to run to. As I contemplated on my situation, families still kept seeking out my help and advice on how to qualify for the State Medi-Cal Program benefits, knowing that I had the know-how and skills on the matter. It slowly dawned on me that there are many families who could use the knowledge and skills that I learned from my previous work experiences. Many a time, a frustrated family would give up applying for Medi-Cal because the process is not only tedious, it can be difficult to deal with the counties or the state. The government offices make erroneous decisions when processing cases time and time again. Out of work but not uninspired, I slowly started a business in 2003 from my kitchen table – helping and guiding individuals and families, hospitals, and skilled nursing facilities in the State of California navigate the Medi-Cal eligibility qualification process.

The first few years were difficult. The journey was not without its struggles. Although I had clients here, and there, I personally had to market the business. It took boundless effort to fight for acceptance in the competitive health care and elderly industry. It took 24-hour days trying to establish credibility in the community and at the same time working and processing the client cases by myself. Initially, my young daughter was my only help. I had to refinance my home to fund and support my new company. The business slowly grew and I gradually hired the proper staff. My home in Riverside served as the company’s first headquarters. Any available space in the house became workspace. I went to bed with files on hand, continued the workload even in my dreams and woke up to it first thing in the morning. There were no weekends, only workdays. It took a while before it broke even.

In early 2012, the company finally got established enough to move into a professional building in Corona. The company already had a good system in place. So now, I could focus on personally traveling California, offering free In-Service talks to every professional and civic organization, elderly board and care home, assisted living facility, nursing home, and hospital that would have me. I have a purpose and a passion to educate the public about Medi-Cal qualification. I want to bust the myths that it does not take impoverishment or low income to qualify for the program. I want them to be aware that the State of California Medi-Cal may be a valuable resource in paying for long-term care. I feel very passionate about helping numerous families get empowered and helping appease their financial worries. I want every family to know that their loved ones do not have to sacrifice their future or deplete their hard-earned savings and income to qualify for Medi-Cal. I also want every family to know that their loved ones deserve respect and treatment in a manner, which is decent and kind, and that they will receive precisely that even after Medi-Cal has been approved.

I have firsthand accounts with the uncertainty of unemployment and joblessness and came out victorious as the founder and CEO of my own company who hires women of all races. My company works with individuals and families, and we have also established business agreement contracts with numerous nursing facilities in the State of California. At this point, I do not have to fight for acceptance any more nor do I need to prove credibility. My company is here to stay and the Counties and the state will have to contend with that!

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You have to live each day because you don not know if that will be your last. My thirty three year old son went to the hospital because he was fainting and he came out with a virus that effected his heart. He got a pacemaker in February 2011 and passed away on June 9, 2012 at the age of thirty five. I was so sad but know that he is in a better place and is no longer suffering like he had. Instead of staying home and feeling sorry for myself I have been moving on with this tragedy,like my son Robert would want me to.I became a Director of the National Association of Female Executives/Entrepreneurs Affiliate , Senior MS Queen for the Menifee Chamber of Commerce ,Unit Leader for Avon and have grown my Avon business.I am on the Reunion Committee for our 45Th class Reunion, I am a nominee for Women Who Make A Difference for the Los Angeles Business Journal. Also nominated for the Women in Business Award for the Orange County Business Journal. I do not feel happy everyday, but I continue to do what I have to do to get things done. He was such an inspiration to me. He is truly missed. Out of my tragedy somethings came out good. Robert is watching over me.There is nothing worse then losing a child, especially my only child. Here are some tips on losing a child. Wake up every day and be grateful for for what you do have.Don’t feel sorry for yourself.And continue living and do what needs to be done because your child would want that. Mother’s Day is coming and I have great memories of past Mother’s Days with my Son. Plus we had dinner with Robert every Sunday. We were going to move him into a three bedroom ground floor apartment with his Dad and me, but he never made it. We moved June 1, 2012. He passed away in a hospital bed in our living room of our Senior 2 bedroom apartment, I was holding his hand and on Friday the day before he passed he said, “I love you Mommy” and I told him that “I loved him too.

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Did you know that even when things happen to us that stress us out we can change our thinking and all of a sudden what seemed like the end of the world can turn into something positive?

Several months ago I was driving to San Diego on the I 15 Freeway, I was in the far left lane, when my tail pipe starting dragging on the freeway. I knew I had to get off the freeway and over to the side of the road. There was so much traffic that it took me awhile to get over and when I did I had passed the last turnoff, which meant that in order to get off an exit I would have to drive past the check point and then turn around and drive back, I knew my car could not do that. At first I was stressed,but then I decided to shift my thinking and said to myself,” this is not a problem, as you have some solutions that you can immediately put into place”, and I suddenly became thankful even though what happened would slow down where I needed to be. I looked at the picture from a different prospective, I had a cell phone, and I had a membership in Triple A, so all of a sudden my stress left.. So using my cell phone I called Triple A and they came pretty fast and took me to a car rental place and towed my car to a garage. Before long I was on my journey to San Diego to do the speaking engagement that I was scheduled to do and which I made just on time. On the way to San Diego I found out there had been a very serious car accident and two people died, it happened about the time I would have been traveling had I not had the incident with my car.

So the next time you have something stressful start to happen start to look at it from a whole different perspective and perhaps you will see that it is not as bad as you thought and that perhaps even some positive things will come from the incident.

In today’s world we all are experiencing things that stress us out at the moment, or we have things to do we don’t like. So perhaps we should take a different route on looking at these.
Have you had a situation where you come up with a great idea and someone says “that will never work”. Or perhaps you have even said that to someone?. Have you ever thought about asking the person to give you a solution to the issue or problem that will make it work, or you yourself instead of being negative about it look at another way of doing things? YOU will find that easy solutions are really out there if you change your thinking to a more positive way of looking at things.

It’s easy to be negative about what happens but it’ a much better solution to look for a positive way to handle what ever comes your way.

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In today’s world of balancing so many things we seem to never have time to pick up the phone, call a friend or write a letter or even a card and yet these little things can really touch a life and make a difference.

My name is Robbie Motter and I live in Menifee, CA and I am 77. I like many want to do these things but find that I too never have lots of extra time, I do send email cards, but do not write letters much anymore or send written notes or cards, I use to do it a lot, and also use to have a friend create special poems for my friends and I would send those to them as well. When they received the letters or poems they always told me how much they loved getting communications from me, and always thanked me for doing it, but somehow that all stopped as computers came in and we could do e cards and emails.

Well recently, I was reminded just how important what we use to do is for the special people in our lives. I received a brown envelope in the mail,much to my surprise when I opened it, I found a hand written letter from a daughter of a women I met in Virginia the first day of school for 7th grade of my son Ed who was attending Linton Hall Military Academy in Bristow, VA and in line also was this woman Kathleen Flood, her son Jordan and her daughter Lisa who like my daughter Lisa was very young at the time. My son Ed is now 55 years old.

The handwritten letter was from Kathleen’s daughter Lisa who told me that her mother had died recently and told me that she had been ill for a couple of years and died peacefully at home with her family all around her. In the letter also she wrote: “My mother wanted me to send back to you what I have enclosed (which were letters and poems I had sent her that dated back to 1975) she treasured them and wanted you to know that.” I saw Kathleen three years ago when I stopped in VA and DC on my way to a NAFE event in New York, but had not seen or talked to her since . She told me then how much she loved the things I sent to her but I thought perhaps she was just being kind and never really realized just how much they meant to her, and I am sure others in the world collect letters and cards and save them and treasure them as well.

When I called the daughter to offer my sympathy she told me also that her mother even in her final week took the time to address the envelope to me, I thought about that and thought even in her pain she was thinking of me, wow that was something to really go within my soul and realize.

In the envelope were letters and poems I had my friend Gail write specially for her. Also there was a Holiday poem my daughter Lisa wrote in 1985 who at the time was probably in junior high school, and signed both of our names to the poem in her handwriting so it was so profound to also see my daughters handwriting there. One of the letters I read I talked about my granddaughter Heather being born, Heather is now 29 years old, so that letter was 29 years old. Reading through those letters was like going back in time in my life as many of the things I had also forgotten

After reading through all those letters and the note her daughter Lisa wrote me I decided I would make time in my busy schedule to contact those that have been in my life for years that I have not taken the time to call. The first one I called that very day was my friend Gail who lives in Buena Park and who I had not seen or talked to since my 75th Birthday.Gail and I have been friends since 7th grade in. She was thrilled to hear my voice and she invited me to come as soon as I had time to spend the weekend with her and her husband.

What this has taught me is that perhaps we need to take another step and take the time to pick up the phone or drop a card and let that person know they are important as you just never know what an impact that could make on a life. So if there someone in your life that you have not talked to for awhile, pick up the phone and make that call today.

It just might make a difference.

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Even in the midst of horrible breast cancer, I came across as selfish, self-centered and arrogant. I have a great sense of humor — I’m a former stand up comic who now writes screenplays — but I seemed more like a coward when it cames to the down and dirty of living an authentic life.

There was absolutely nothing unique about my chaotic, rambling, indulgent, self-serving so-called “life”. Every other recalled memory involved some mention of an exotic vacation or super-hot ex-boyfriend. There was my cancer, there was treatment, and then there is nothing: I imagined the ending of my life would be forced, awkward, and sudden.

But after living with cancer for three years, cancer changed me. Cancer brought me down to earth. Cancer made me human. This is the ultimate victory!

Every person who has or is battling cancer deserves immense respect for their strength and perseverance, but not every survivor needs to have been the narcissist I once was.

Coincidentally, now my writing is at its best. I serve up screenplay scenes from the surreal world only the ill know: the cancer patient who crashes her support group, the alternative practitioner whose gifts come from extraterrestrials, the doctor who fires her patient, dating while bald, working without a brain, and smoking with cancer.

I am now a woman who has been brought to her knees by disease several times, only to get up and learn to dance…with grace, even.

* * *

Even in the midst of horrible breast cancer, I came across as selfish, self-centered and arrogant. I have a great sense of humor — I’m a former stand up comic who now writes screenplays — but I seemed more like a coward when it cames to the down and dirty of living an authentic life.

There was absolutely nothing unique about my chaotic, rambling, indulgent, self-serving so-called “life”. Every other recalled memory involved some mention of an exotic vacation or super-hot ex-boyfriend. There was my cancer, there was treatment, and then there is nothing: I imagined the ending of my life would be forced, awkward, and sudden.

But after living with cancer for three years, cancer changed me. Cancer brought me down to earth. Cancer made me human. This is the ultimate victory!

Every person who has or is battling cancer deserves immense respect for their strength and perseverance, but not every survivor needs to have been the narcissist I once was.

Coincidentally, now my writing is at its best. I serve up screenplay scenes from the surreal world only the ill know: the cancer patient who crashes her support group, the alternative practitioner whose gifts come from extraterrestrials, the doctor who fires her patient, dating while bald, working without a brain, and smoking with cancer.

I am now a woman who has been brought to her knees by disease several times, only to get up and learn to dance…with grace, even.

by shannon morris

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Do you remember when you were a child and held on to a helium balloon? Have you ever had the experience of the balloon getting away and flying way up into a blue sky? For me I had those childhood experiences many times and even wondered how I would get my balloons back. As well when I was a child I was severely abuses for many years. Besides living in an abusive household when I was in middle school I met and wound up the subject of gang related assault and manipulation. Despite the abuse in school and out of school I could at times manage to carry straight A’s and be invisible in the eyes of my teachers. At high school graduation there was still some abuse and I had setbacks in grades at times. However, I still was accepted at the University of Michigan and my school principal let me walk the stage with the honor students at an awards’ show.

My healing tool was my creative mind and art. My guiding grace was my kindness and reaching out. Faith carried me through the darkest nights.

Three years into my university repressed memories surfaced and I could no longer keep up with my curriculum. I left and went back to my home near Detroit, Michigan. I picked up odd and end jobs and eventually met my future husband. It was the very first time I received my first true hug in the world. I could have hugged him forever.

Two years later we married and two years after that we lost our home in a foreclosure. My husband found a job in Wisconsin. During this time he worked 10 hour days and would be gone for over 12 or more. In this isolation since we lived in the country my mind broke into 3 parts. His care-giving toward me came first and he lost his job. We then moved to the city of Wausau to gain more support and that we found.

I started attending the Womens Community and groups. I learned that I was not alone. Some of my counselors taught me how to make special envelope cards and dolls. My husband taught me how to sew. I learned how to knit, make dolls, pop-cards, quilts, stuffed animals and to be an inventive cook. I reached out everywhere to volunteer at benefits, make care packages for people having a rainy day and cook meals and deliver them to those in need. As I did this I realized I was nurturing the neglected parts of myself from the past. It was a win-win.

Since then when I would get angry I sometimes would yell. I learned that there are other ways to deal with anger than harsh words toward the people who care about you. I started to walk briskly in the morning and work on more art and cooking. I learned how to communicate with my husband and to tell him directly what I needed like -please rub my back and calm me.
C
Within a few years since my first time at the Women’s Community I learned how to forgive. I constantly let go of the pain, anger and fear so I could find joy and experience the here and now. I was missing out on a lot with having DID-Dissociative Disorder.

Today we have money woes, etc…but I learned with my creativity that I could let go of that too. In my mind, at night I visualized a helium balloon and wrote with a black marker -Money. That balloon flew to heaven. The next day I received an unexpected check in the mail. Every night I write a word on a balloon and let it go to heaven. I have made amends with this and now my heart is not as heavy. I still have scars, but I let so many balloons go and gave it to something bigger than me-the infinite universe. It actually worked better than planned and today I can proudly say I am victorious because I found love, was able to forgive, gained wisdom, am still able to be kind and can be joyful. I will end this with sending a balloon up to the sky with my signature quote “ It matters how we walk on others’ hearts either harshly or softly, both are remembered.”

by Juliana Palmcook

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To hear a woman’s voice in these times is a must,we must be heard and be counted for our feelings and so many topics that concern women of today will affect how far we prosper in the future,so always be counted and be heard ,because we have a voice!

When we take a stand in society we feel we are respected and given the same props as men.We need to stop being afraid to take our voices to another level and this helps to teach our children that we have the same rights as men to be heard.When our kids are outspoken in a positive way,its probably because they have learned from us speaking our minds and fighting for causes that mean something to us and our families,males have made us be silent for long enough,now it’s time to open up and be heard to the top of our voices.

This reminds me of the song “Lift Every Voice and Sing” it truly should be the female national anthem.So,on those times when we feel silenced by the male ego and voice,just say I shall not be not heard ,I will express myself in any form I choose,especially when it comes to my inner feelings that I have not been able to show. Taking the time in life to make yourself heard is a right you have ,not just talk about the nebulous issues in life the issues that touch your core within.I feel like a whole woman now and this is because I fight for every right that I feel strongly about.I do not allow anyone male or female to walk on top of my feelings anymore.

So, rather than cry and curl up in a ball,I take my voice to whomever will listen,because this is what makes me able to pass the word on to other females like me.Silence me know more ,once the pie hole has been opened and freed ,it’s on.But in closing,I am caged know more and I will stay free and open to discuss whatever I have on my chest..

by denise hodge

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Some measure success by your education,income,occupation. Not me I feel I am victorious in life,because my life has been a unpredictable journey thus far.To truly be victorious in life you must endure being uncomfortable to a certain degree.I have tread through some incidents that still have me wondering how in the heck did i manage without becoming insane or hospitalized. A soap opera could take notes from my life,however the obstacles i witnessed and participated in has shaped me into the viable individual that i am today. Overcoming being the victim of domestic abuse,was a difficult and dark point in my life, my journal was a tool that helped me release the pain i was feeling, and writing poetry about it also soothe my soul. I never seeked outside help but i am aware of resources the community i live in offer.

The only thing that troubles me was that my kids had to see the individual inflict and hurl objects at me.But I am still standing,but the biggest earthquake moment in life happened when my husband aka first love cheated on me and led up to him conceving a child on me while i was attending college classes. At that time I was working at a factory,going to school and tending to a family. My son kept me in juvie court as well. I felt like darn Its a wonder i am not on drugs or a drunk because I was going thru alot of bullcrap excuse the language.

It felt like god had forgot me. The end results was good and bad: I did not finish college, i do have 51 credits and while there i did score 2 scholarships and was featured in the local paper and spoke at the country club.

Secondly, my son ended up doing about a year at a juvie facility.But he while there he did get his ged and obtain a welding certificate at ASU.

Thirdly, my cheating husband that situation is undecided,it took me 2 years before i was able to accept and deal with his daughter and dont get me wrong from time to time it still stings.Basically, my motto is you can stay depressed you got to live only you can live for you. Right now i am unemployed and feel so rejected and my morale has sunk to a low. Deep down in my heart I know God see and hear my plea and he will make it happen.Just note anyone can be a victorious woman if you be true to yourself and do you!

by kendra mcbride

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Monday morning 1:15 a.m. I wept uncontrollably in the shower asking God for strength to endure my menstrual cycle this week. I can’t sleep for anxiety of having an accident in the bed. Underneath me is a thick blanket just in case I sleep longer than an hour. If I don’t wake to change sanitary napkins frequently throughout the night I am sure to rise from a pool of blood. It’s been five years since I was first diagnosed with fibroid tumors which is one of the most common tumors in the female uterine track.I had no idea how greatly my life would be impacted as a direct result from their unwarranted occupation inside my body. There are days that I deeply wish I could make them disappear. This is day one of my cycle and my emotions are heightened, my attention span shortened and my spirit weighted. After five years I still weep alone in silence as I did the first day I learned of them residing inside of me.

Many of my friends have had surgery within a year of finding out as they have the luxury of health insurance. My story is very different in that the path of steadfast endurance is wearisome and lonely. It is one of the most stressful times of the month and it always seems to come around to fast and stay too long. I know of all the places that I have had public accidents where I couldn’t get to a restroom in time to prevent soiling my pants. I still see the blood hitting the floor in Walgreens, as soon as I entered the store I had to exit without the items I came to purchase. The gushing flow is so unpredictable I’ve experienced explosions at the airport, friend’s houses, car seats, public facilities etc…

One of my worst encounters was at my mother’s home a few months ago it literally looked like a crime scene and I was the victim. It was at the beginning of a new cycle and I had no clue what was about to happen because typically I’m heavier on day two through five. I felt the blood clots about to move which awakened me around midnight. I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough. Before I knew it, blood covered the entire floor. I screamed hysterically! My clothes were ruined and I had no towels to wrap up in. I was visiting my mother and she heard me crying to the top of my lungs as she rushed in the bathroom she saw a grown woman who appeared helpless as a child.

I will never forget that night because I gained a new appreciation for the love my mother has for me. She wiped up every drop as I showered weeping for two hours. It was embarrassing and one of the most humiliating experiences I have ever had. At that moment, I wanted to talk to someone who understood this silent struggle. Who could I call? Who would relate, especially at that hour? In my distress, I had to focus on something bigger! I texted my web designer and asked her to create a help line for women who are fighting internal issues.

I know that my situation will change and my story will inspire others who are challenged with their own unique health issues. I believe in divine healing and miracles. It is my faith in God that keeps me strong when I am at my weakest point. In the words of the late Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

Kristie Kennedy
www.kristiekennedy.com

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I was told at the age of 11 that I would die by the time I was 30 by my dr, I was diagnosis with Juvenile Type 1 diabetes very fragile. I had lost almost 100 Lbs weighed only 70 Lbs. Was in Marshfields Childrens Hospital for 3 months. I left home at 16, because of Physical and Sexual Abuse. Made Alot of Good and some bad choices along the way. But owned up to all. I worked from the age of 13 to make ends meet. For most of my life I just never got close to anyone.

Till I met my current husband. We have been together for almost 22 yrs. In the last 4 yrs I have had 7 surgeries (OVER 20 in my lifetime) knee replacement,Carpel tunnel, Back fusion & spacers, Trigger finger, Laser eye surgery x2 to repair busted eye vessels so I didn’t go blind & Bladder sling, Ect Ect, I cant walk or stand more then 5 minutes. And now have heart issues and all complications from my type 1 diabetes which I have had for 36 yrs now.And oh yeah I am 17 yrs past 30 . I help my Husband with daily care and many everyday functions we all take for granted , a little over a year ago, he was diagnosis with Parkinson at the age of 43. He was always the healthy one never even took OTC meds. Now he takes over 12 pills a day & needs help with cares & everyday life his short term memory is really really short.

Before all this we both worked for individuals that are developmentally disabled, all ages & troubled teen. Really miss working but are still friends with alot of them. We complete each other. Smile and Joke everyday. Always spending time together is so great. We have learned to live on very limited income. But are always willing to share or give to others in need. I feel we are very lucky to have all we do, family,friends, and always food on the table. For the last 2yrs we have cooked Holiday meals for friends and family that have nowhere to go or the means to do it themselves. I also get alot of free items and/or cheap and share with friends and family. Everything happens for a reason. I would not be the person I am if my road was different. I am grateful for everything!!

by LINDA BOYD

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It wasn’t comfortable to embrace uncertainty.

About ten years ago I visited New York for the first time. Someone about the city with it’s values of ambition, creativity and drive just resonated with me on a cellular level.

I was living in my hometown of San Diego at the time and knew it was time for a change. At first I just thought it was the excitement of the trip that got me thinking I should move to NYC.

After my five day trip I came back but I just knew I was supposed to move to New York and great things were going to happen to me.

At first my soul was whispering to me that I should move to New York but my soul just kept getting louder and louder… it got to be deafening.

I had no savings, no place to live, no job lined up and almost no friends or family in New York. I just knew it was my fate to move there.

I was scared. I was terrified. My parents told me repeatedly that they weren’t going to be able to financially support me there… I was on my own.

I gave away almost all my possessions. I couldn’t believe all the mental and physical space this created for me to create myself anew.

My mom would call me on the phone and rant and rave about how I needed to give up on my pipe dreams and just settle for some stability and certainty. I had to stop talking to her for a while and trust my intuition and embrace my fate and uncertainty.

I was being extremely unreasonable.

I had days where I was scared. I had moments where I was absolutely terrified. I thought I would be able to stay at my friend’s place longer and couch surf but that didn’t work out for too long so I had to secure a place to live sooner than I thought.

I went on interviews but had no solid offers or prospects.

It was two months later. Funds were dwindling.

I had to dig deep… deeper than I thought I could dig and find reservoirs of courage and trust inside of myself that I didn’t know I could have.

Then it happened.

My number one targeted company called after living in New York for 2 months and offered me the position I was looking for.

I learned from the experience that it’s not always convenient or comfortable to live inside of uncertainty and intuition…….

My dad has said to me at one point they wanted to give me some money to me to help support me. I told him that wasn’t the point of me moving. If a baby wants to learn how to walk if someone keeps preventing him from falling his legs will never get strong and he will never learn how to balance. It makes you wince to watch someone fall but they learn to get strong and make it on their own or else they will just get run over one day.

Getting present on a visceral level to my fears and doubts helped me to embrace my strength and gifts in a way I never had know possible.

by Jasmine Kaloudis

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It was snowing the day my father died. It was February, cold and brutal as the snow fell in large, heavy clumps that quickly covered the streets and lawns around us. By the time the storm ended, two days later, there would be more than thirty inches of snow on the ground.

My mother, my sisters and I were all gathered around when my father lapsed into a coma. Worried about driving over snow-covered roads and slippery railroad tracks and about the teenage children I had left at home, I decided to leave.

I arrived home safely, took a shower and had a hair dryer in my hand when the telephone rang. It was my younger sister, Joanne, calling to tell me our father had passed. What if I had stayed? I wondered irrationally. Would he still be alive? How is it, I wonder now, that we believe that making different choices or living differently is the antidote for death?

But I managed to hold myself together and go on – at least until the funeral. During the viewing the night before, I’d looked at him – at what was left of him after death was done with him – and thought, This is not my father. I hadn’t realized I’d spoken aloud, but I must have because I felt Joanne’s hand on mine. “I’m so glad you said that,” she said.

The next day as Mass ended, the organist began playing a hymn that describes how a soul reaches heaven – “On Eagles Wings” – and I started to cry. You have to be there, God, I thought. Even in church, I wanted to raise my fist to God. You have to be there, I thought again. You promised.

It is twenty-six years later. It is February again, but today there is a hint of spring and it is almost warm. This time it is Joanne, who is dying. Seven weeks ago, a doctor walked up to the hospital bed she was lying in and said, “You have stage 3b lung cancer, small cell. You have one week left to live.” Either that was exactly what happened or, in her shock, that was what she heard.
Now she is lying in a bed in her daughter’s house. There are heavy curtains over the windows because the sunlight hurts her eyes. There is nothing I can do for her. I close my eyes and listen to her breathing. Just a few moments ago, her son-in-law was in the room with me. We were waiting for the hospice nurse to arrive. Joanne awoke suddenly and Mark jumped to his feet. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Get Stephanie,” she said. “Hurry.”

Stephanie came into the room. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

“The nurse is here,” Joanne replied.

“No, not yet,” Stephanie said. “He’ll be here in twenty minutes.” Joanne looked confused. Stephanie left the room, saying she would be back shortly. I got up and stood beside Joanne.

“Did you see the nurse come in?” she asked.

“No,” I had to tell her. She looked upset and unsettled.

“Are you all right?”

“I can’t wait twenty minutes,” she answered.

“Close your eyes. The time will go more quickly,” I told her. She closed her eyes and her breathing deepened as I sat beside her.

“Do you think there is a heaven?”’ she had asked me two weeks earlier.

“I am absolutely sure of it.” I had answered.

This time I am certain. This time I know there is a God. I never doubt it. I believe in heaven. I won’t threaten or demand that He show Himself. He shows Himself anyway, as I look down at my sister and see that there is an eagle pictured on the blanket that covers her.

by Toni McCloe

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